Uncle Dennis’ vision of a true Vampire Weekend may never occur

Late Saturday afternoon the players of the mediocore adult pop warner hockey league team The Warriors gathered in the Stanley Club to discuss their last game and current events. The most controversial topic was how John scored a goal and Vince only scored a lucky junk time goal, which probably shouldn’t have even counted. Furthermore, John also leads Vince in points this season, disgrace. John also brought up how “Vampire Weekend was going to be on the radio.” Uncle Dennis, an avid lover of monster themed music, was thoroughly excited and stated, “What is that, when the music station plays all vampire related music all weekend?” John then told Uncle Dennis how Vampire Weekend was infact a band, not a weekend dedicated to Vampire music.

Dr. Phil comforts a grieving Vince

History was made early Sunday afternoon when Vince cried for the first time ever during a screening of 2012. Near the end of the movie one of the characters thinks John Cusack has died, but it is revealed seconds later that he is not dead. The people watching the movie then heard an unfamiliar noise coming from Vince, then saw what they couldn’t believe. John, a mediocre law student, reported what happened next, “We all heard a sniffling noise coming from Vince, we thought it was maybe a cough. We then saw a tear come from his eye, I couldn’t believe it.”

Booyow.net was able to reach Vince for his comments on the situation, “I didn’t know what was going on, I felt this feeling in my heart I’ve never felt before, it was truly strange. After the warm sensation in my heart, my chin began to wobble, I thought I was going through a heart attack or a seizure. Then all of a sudden, this warm liquid came out of my eye socket, I almost panicked and I was scared … I turned around asked what happened, my friends told me that the strange liquid was actually called a ‘tear’ and they come out in times of extreme emotion, I had no idea what either word meant.”

Scientists were later called in to analyze Vince’s tears.

Dutch arrives on 36th and Halsted to save John from a BVT Beatdown

Chaos engulfed the small neigborhood of Bridgeport late Monday evening as a fight between two potential lawyers almost went completely out of control. John posted a humorous picture of BVT and BVT responded with a threat. Not knowing where to go, John decided to call the internet police for rescue.

Luckily for John, the internet police never showed, the Dutchman showed instead. Dutch immedietely took control of the situation seperating John and BVT. It took him a long time to defuse the situation as John and BVT continued to hurl insults at each other. Using his expert negotiation skills, Dutch gave each party involved a special DVD from his immense porn collection. Dutch commented, “Brother, all I wanted to do was get out of there as quick as possible, I was hungry. I wanted to jump on a #8 at Jimmy John’s, nothing on it, double meat, if that means I have to give some DVDs out of my expansive collection, I’ll do it.” Rumors are being spread that Dutch is on standby in case another argument erupts between the two potential lawyers.

Chicago, IL, February 28, 2010 — Earlier this evening BVT released a message via Facebook, informing the world that he is being held  against his will.

“I am not living here by choice,” BVT declared.  The S.O.S. continued, “My family…was brought here as slaves.”

It is unclear who brought BVT’s family here as slaves or whether those same people are currently holding him captive.  No ransom note has been released.  The demands of his captors are unclear.

Also unclear is how BVT accessed the internet to post his statement.  Due to the statement’s correct syntax and spelling, experts opine that the post was not posted from his mobile device and that perhaps he had help writing it.

A search party will begin looking for BVT at sunrise tomorrow morning.  The search is to begin at Punky’s, if it is open.

-Booyow Press

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Booyow.net was live at the Warrior’s victory late Saturday evening and took a nice video of some action after the second intermission. Best of luck in the coming season Warriors!

Brandon threatens Andy Reid to not let Westbrook back on the team, in fear of Willy’s offense

For years Willy’s Madden offense led by Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook plagued residents of the Bridgeport area. Both Fred and Brandon felt the pain of this offense, Fred commented, “I never really minded Westbrook, but running with the quarterback? That’s just plain cheese.” Brandon on the other hand, often has bad dreams of past Madden games against Westbrook. Brandon claims that not only does Willy use the Eagles, his claim to the best team on the game, but the best position player, “Fred and Willy both do the same thing, they use the best player at a given position. Willy is the worst with Brian Westbrook, a combination of runner and receiver, his game is nearly unstoppable.”

The NFLPA, with help of the Booyow.net Investigatory team, is conducting an investigation to see whether Brandon threatened Andy Reid into releasing Westbrook.

Westbrook is the all time leader in Madden in rushing, receiving, scrimmage yards, yards per carry, and touchdowns.

Union Break!

Hey Dennis, you and little Nicky sharing clothes yet?

[Air Compressor is Brought Out] Hey Chuck, that for your girlfriend? Do you only half inflate her so she’s not taller than you?

[Uncle Dennis and Uncle Chucky Arguing Over Math] It’s an unarmed battle of brains and wits. Neither has a weapon.

Scholars and gentlemen alike were shocked when they heard the news of Cugino University closing its doors. School president, The Cugino, blamed the closing on the state of the economy and lack of admission of students worthy of being a Cugino, but rumors are circulating the school closed for other reasons. One source, who chose not to be named, stated,

We all know why Cugino University is closing, its because everyone is transferring to North Side Vince Prepatory School. Ever since school president Vince got of his two year slump and is back on his game, everyone wants to go there … The Cugino also set the bar too high for admissions, most applicants had to meet at least 275/301 ways to be a Cugino, its nearly impossible as over 75 have to do with being a fireman and knowing how to operate a machine.

Booyow.net learned the only class Cugino University students excellerated in was, “Opening a Plenty of Fish Account 101.”

The scene inside Joe’s Altima early Sunday morning

Booyow.net received word that John was banned from not one, but two vehicles this past weekend.

A trip to Wendy’s turned fatal for Russo’s immaculate Nissan Altima late Saturday night when John decided to put ketchup on his fries. Russo claims the ketchup went everywhere, “This car has survived rides home from both Mikey and Fred, I’m surprised John was the one who ruined my backseat. It reminds me of the time his cousin Bruno jumped in my backseat with a permanent marker tattoo on his bare back. Bruno not only puked in the backseat, but the tattoo was imprinted on the seat as well. They should look to their cousin Fred for how to behave in a car.”

Russo is filing charges against John to receive payment for the following items:
- XXXL Poncho Style Blackhawks Alternate Jersey (Fits Two)
- Pre-Algebra Book
- Lord of the Rings Two Towers DVD
- Mint Condition Bret Hart Action Figure (Pre Stroke)

John also puked on the side of the Cugino’s car early Monday morning and promised to pay for a car wash. The Cugino was not lenient in his ruling to ban John citing, “If he read 301 ways to be a Cugino, he’d realize #34 is that a Cugino never pukes inside of the Cugino’s car.”

Booyow.net is donating money to the John Ride Foundation because the only car left to be in is Vince’s, and the putrid smell of old Bananas and Hockey is unbearable.