Artie Lange has what it takes to play Softball, do you?

Audrina did not find any items she liked.

After stars Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port left the MTV hit show “The Hills,” producers were worried they would never find new castmates/friends for star Audrina Partridge. After months of auditions and casting, Executive Producer Josh Harnden finally settled upon unknown actors Fred Roti and Fred “Willy” Walz. “We wanted some fresh faces,” said Harnden, “people were getting tired of the ‘blonde and skinny’ look. Willy brings red hair and muscles, and Roti brings a Joel McHale-eque flair to the show.”

In order to create a bond between the new castmates, Audrina, Roti and Willy embarked in an all day shopping spree earlier this week in Chicago. While Audrina did not find anything that caught her eye, Roti finally embraced the preppy chiq of J. Crew, and Willy bought a shirt that resembled the cover of Creed’s third album.

The new season of “The Hills” begins this October.

Red hair? Eating food? Has to be Willy!

Earlier this week, the new CEO and team figurehead of the fantasy football team formerly known as the Musty Lappers met with the team’s recent draft picks.  Renaming the team simply “Sammy Davis Jr.” was seen as egotistical by some in the business, but the new CEO is unfazed by the criticism.  “Baby,” said Sammy, “we got so much talent, the team name just had to be me.”

Sammy met with first-round pick Larry Fitzgerald, second-round pick Steven Jackson and sixth-round steal Tony Romo.  The photo was seen as ironic to some; “Usually, Sammy was the only, um, you know around. Now, Tony is in the minority!” said the ghost of Dean Martin.

Actual Photo of the Confirmed Fear Mongerers

In a move that made Joseph Goebbels proud, Fred Roti and Fred Walz continued their fantasy football campaign into the 2009 season.  Roti and Walz recently went on a massive PR campaign in order to stop the growing call for waivers in the Bridgeport Football League.  Roti and Walz organized a slew of radio and television ads in opposition of the move including claims that instituting waivers would give everyone in the league cancer.

This is not the first time Roti and Walz have dabbled in mass propaganda in hopes to control the BFL.  In 2007, when rumors began to swirl of a possible league expansion, Roti and Walz began to spread leaflets stating that if the league added two more teams, that the Hindu god Ganesh would terrorize the planet earth with smoldering heat and decay.

For further reading, see “Negative Points: Slowly Making You Impotent” by Fred Roti (2004) and “Why Frank Gore Will Still be a First-Round Pick in 2018″ by Fred Walz (2008).