After taking a break from singing the entire Rick James catalog and calling everyone in the bar “old”  Willy de-shirted and bartended.  Again.  Notice that the the hair on his stomach resembles a spade.

At first I was mad that Bruno dropped his coffee right by my desk.

However, I didn’t realize it was his inhuman strength that completely destroyed the feeble coffee mug.  Which made it ok.

(Note: I’m going to acknowledge that this series resembles Bruno’s “Jerk of the Day” posts on the booyow homepage.  I consulted with Bruno before starting this and even tried to commission him to help with the series.  However, due to contractual obligations Bruno is unable to contribute.)

Fat people are everywhere, and nowhere more present than on the CTA.  I have always had a general disdain for my portly brethren (glandular problem my ass), but it is even more unbearable on the CTA.  I can not even begin to count all the times I have had to squish myself into a seat so some dumptruck of a human being can sit down next to me.

This all came to a head for me this week.  I was sitting on the window seat of the Orange Line when a 300 pound orca plopped herself right next to me.  When I removed my gloves to put them in my jacket pockets, I wasn’t able to get the left one all the way in my pocket because of the bucket of lard next to me.  When I got home, I was minus one leather glove.  Those things don’t grow on trees.

The sad part is, I’ve actually heard people say, “Those seats on the CTA aren’t realistic for normal people!” Since when did “normal” mean “fat”?  Don’t blame the CTA.  Don’t blame your glands.  Don’t blame your metabolism.  Blame yourself.  You’re the one who chose to Supersize it.

You owe me $50.

I’m fully aware that I’m a miserable person with a tendency to complain.  So I thought I’d start a new feature for the blog called “Why I Hate People.”  It will detail and elaborate on the many things that absolutely disgust me about the human race.  I’ll start with people’s behavior on facebook:

1.  I want to strangle a god damn kitten whenever I see a girl typppeee liiiiike thhhhhis!!!! It’s not cute.  It never will be.  It just makes it look like you own a sticky keyword.  This is number 1 for a reason as words cannot fully explain how much this boils my blood.

2.  “FML” Really? Not only is the saying itself stupid, but the context in which people use it is absolutely ridiculous. ‘I broke a nail! FML!’ or ‘The barista at Starbucks only gave me 2 pumps of classic! FML’  The only time that term should be used is along the lines of ‘Just got diagnosed with leukemia. FML.’

3.  People who use their statuses to start arguments, ‘drama’, cause jealousness, etc.  I can see high schoolers doing this, but the fact remains that I see more and more people my age who think Facebook was created so you could call someone a bitch for talking to her boyfriend.  Grow up people.

4. Professional-quality profile pictures.  You’re not a model.  If you were, you wouldn’t be on Facebook.  I don’t care if you spent $500 to go down to Van Gogh studios and pose; leave it at home.  And for guys? The number of abs you show in a picture is directly proportional to how big of a loser you are.

5. Outfit Event Invitations.  ‘Nuff said.

Obviously Alanis’ lyrics were optional.

Or vote.  Or hold public office.  Or drink out of the same water fountains.  Etc.

I haven’t updated in three months, might as well go nuts.

After nine long and arduous years, Mushroomheads manager John Walz finally captured his first championship in the Bridgeport Football League.  In his fourth title appearance, John endured a grueling Sunday of back and forth scoring and near comeback on Monday night.  John was coming off a heart-breaking loss to Fred Walz in 2006* when he lost by less than 3 points.

More importantly, Walz loses the stigma of never winning a championship.  Fellow league members Fred Roti and Fred Walz** constantly harassed John for his fantasy futility, but now are at an impasse as John is the current champion.  “I mean, this ruins every Sunday,” said Roti, “now we can’t do our patented ‘Raise your hand if you are a fantasy champion’ to win every football disagreement.”

* Fred Walz’ 2006 Championship will always have the stain of an asterik (Oh the irony!)

** Fred Walz has never won a championship in a 10 team league.

UPDATE: Four-time Champion Fred Roti requested a clarification on the bottom two lines.  Fred has won a championship in a 10-team league.

Artie Lange has what it takes to play Softball, do you?